Online dating profile boxes often ask the question:
How Often do you Drink?
Answers - Choose: Never, Occasionally, Regularly, Every Day, Can't do Without It
This is a challenging area in dating profiles. Alcohol leads to so many problems - physical and mental health, violence, relationship issues and so on. So, how do people answer, and what do their answers mean?
If the person's says 'never', then there could be one of several meanings relevant to that person:
- a religious objections; reformed alcoholic; alcoholism of a loved one; really drinks only at Christmas or never; a complete lie.
In other words, it could mean pretty much anything. You may well have your own views about the possible meanings. I would be especially cautious if someone claimed never to drink.
There are dating sites now which ask the question at the end of completing a profile 'How Honest have you been in your Answers? I doubt that this is really a worthwhile question, because people who are disposed to lie will do so anyway.
I did once meet someone who was on her third marriage. Her profile said 'she never drank'. We met and she declined a glass of wine. It turned out that two former husbands had died of alcoholism and the third (separated) was also an alcoholic. She herself was a reformed alcoholic and she had not had a drink for many years. That scenario was unattractive to me.
If however, you are an alcoholic, then admit it (to yourself first, that's the most important). Yes, it could be hard, even impossible to say so in your online dating profile, but you would need to get it out into the open very soon, maybe in an email. It's not fair to imprint your own challenge onto somebody else without being upfront about it. Of course, if you've answered 'yes' to that question, even if only to yourself, then you are well on the way to dealing with it.
A friend recently told me a story about a guy having a first date with a lady - she'd brought her two young children along to the beach where they met for the date.
The man suggested that they get the children some ice cream. He had no small change so gave the lady a £20 note. He took care of the children playing in the sand whilst the lady went to get the ice creams. Some time later when she had not returned, he said to the children that he wondered why their mother was taking so long. They said "she's probably in the pub". They eventually found her in a bar nearby - she'd drunk the £20, and was in no fit state to look after the children. This was a first date. What should he have done? Well, he called the police because he didn't think he should be responsible for the children, who obviously knew that their mother had a problem. All on a first date - at least he found out early.
If the online profile answer given is that they drink regularly, then that could mean that they are just a frequent drinker, a borderline alcoholic, or over the edge. It is definitely something to be explored early on. I have been asked straight out a couple of times on the telephone whether I had an alcohol problem, by ladies who had had difficult relationships with alcoholics in the past. If someone starts with deception then it's harder and harder to own up as time goes on, particularly if everything is going well in other respects. So I would advise openness for yourself, and wariness about the other person.
Then, there is the question of quantity - one can drink regularly but moderately. That is a question for personal investigation, as the dating profiles don't explore that in depth.
Despite all that, alcohol is a relaxant, and if you are just getting to know someone then it helps lower the barriers, physical and mental. Of course it can also lead to indiscretion!
Author Resource:
Five years experience of online dating. How important are photos in profiles? More profile analysis, and hidden dating profile messages at=>
http://sailingsoulmates.blogspot.com .
Phil Marks
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