Do you feel that there are areas of your life where, no matter how hard you try, nothing seems to change for you? Are there people, situations and times when you feel defeated by the amount of effort that seems to be needed from you? It's wearing isn't it? And very often, it's a question of boundary setting. You may be operating from a boundary that is not healthy for you and this article looks at some of the ways you can take steps to set new boundaries, that are good for you. There is always the chance that you may ruffle some feathers in the process but the increase in your self-esteem and energy will be worth it. Remember, what you really want is just outside of your comfort zone!
It's very often the case that you may be having difficulty recognizing what behaviours are supporting you and which are inappropriate. This is very common, because you will tend to have modeled what you think is O.K. based on your own early conditioning. You may get respect in some areas and not in other areas. you may be willing to tolerate rudeness, pain, abuse of your rights and bad behaviour because that's been the norm for you. It may take a while for you to sift through to your true feelings to start to create a picture of what is good for YOU. You may need time to recognise when something hurts you - or damages your self-esteem: your finances: your family: or your physical being and that's OK. The main thing to do, is to start the process and treat it as an on-going effort.
But where do you start? I suggest that you highlight just one area in your life in which you are currently unhappy, angry, exhausted or sad– and don't over face yourself by tackling the biggest one to start with unless you are ready for a big change . You need to honestly examine the following factors: -
What is it EXACTLY about the situation that you don't like? (e.g. the way you feel: the consequences of it: the effects on others.)
What is making you feel angry, sad, threatened, suffocated or victimized?
What is it that you get from acting the way you do now? (e.g. avoiding confrontation: maintaining peace: feeling safe: etc.)
What could you say or do differently to change the situation – without losing your self-esteem? (e.g. speak up for yourself: respond differently: say “no”: say “yes”, ask for help)
How could you speak up for yourself in a way that feels safe and respectful.
How could you act in a way that supports you and your needs?
What would you do if you were not scared or tired, and how would you do it in such a way that you do not harm yourself or anyone else (and by harm I do not mean you cannot be angry: I simply mean you need to recognise any feelings of resentment or spite and not use them to manipulate, damage or deceive in order to set your new boundary).
I suggest you do this at a time when you are not 'triggered' by the situation. Choose a time when you feel calm and have some space to think things through. Writing down your answers, just jotting a few key words even – can be very revealing and helpful.
It's very useful to seek out groups, or people, who model the kinds of attitudes and behaviors you would like to develop, and ask for their support. I have found that by sharing some of my “stories” with others I learn a lot. If you are willing to share your issues, you will find that new networks of friends will support you and teach you in many ways.
Author Resource:
Debs de Vries is the U.K.'s leading provider of relaxation and guided imagery downloadable mP3s and CDs. Her work in the field of wellness and wellbeing includes coaching, and a membership site to show people how to create wellbeing and wellness in their daily lives, with minimal fuss and maximum benefit. Go to: http://wellbeingsecrets.co.uk now to sign up for free newsletters AND http://thewellnessaudioshop.co.uk for samples of recordings.
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